Ze worst of ze worst -- a DC style disaster in five parts

In no particular order, here are the five ensembles from three separate venues that stood out not only for their wearers' poor execution (fit, color scheme, etc.) but also for the absolute WTF-edness of the overall "look."

Venue #1: Tour de Champagne, French Embassy

(dress code: semi-formal, black-tie optional)

Beige strapless tube dress. Chandelier-style faux diamond necklace. Slouchy Frye boots. Messy ponytail. Chipped bubble-gum pink nail polish. Extremely dry skin -- think visible scales.

Baggy black low-rise sequined bell-bottoms. "Dressy" black t-shirt. Thick brown bifocals. Unstyled shoulder-length Mom-bob. Square-toed one-inch pilgrim pumps. No makeup. Again, very dry skin.

Skin-tight teal satin sheath that puckered painfully at the sleeves and across the stomach, hips and rear -- every time she downed a heavily-pâtéd crostini, I could see another bulge begin to form. Stubbed-to-white black pointy-toed pumps. Good dramatic eye makeup but thick, poorly-blended pancake-y foundation.

on the bubble:

Nondescript short-sleeved, shoulder-padded black sheath. Busily-patterned black tights. Double-strapped, distressed brown leather round-toed block-heeled slingbacks. Thick librarian glasses. So in need of lotion I came thisclose to demanding she let me rub her down, neck to toes, with my coconut/olive oil salve.

Floor-length ivory satin deep V-neck/V-back evening gown. Jewel-encrusted sandals. Enormous black Marc by Marc Jacobs turnlock tote.

Heaving, salacious cleavage. Black wide-netted fishnets. One-two-three...seven visible tatts. Magic marker-looking black eyeliner. Chipped cherry-red toe and nail polish.

Venue #2: Lotus, K Street, between 14th/15th St.

Kite-shaped handkerchief-printed backless "blouse." Painted-on yoga pants. Poor man's Edie Sedgwick eye makeup. Dark brown-lined lips. Smirnoff Ice.

Venue #3: The Park at 14th, 14th Street, between K/I St.

White pearlized pleather (?) mini skirt. Black halter with large metal O-ring detailing in front and back. Straps-up-the-calf, raffia-wedged platform sandals. Alternating inch-wide sectionals of white-blond highlights and dark-brown "natural" hair color. French pedi.

*'ze best of ze best' post to come later in the week...