- broad shoulders
- 32AA chest
- 38EE chest
- untoned upper arms
- back acne
- tan lines
- armpit fat
- short neck
- undefined clavicle
- uneven breast size
Not sure?
Well, let me interject, as there are actually two critical points I'd like to make here.
The first is that the vast majority of women's bodies, be they attached to a 22 or 42 year-old, fall into one or more of the above categories.
The second is that any one of these has the high potential for causing "oh dear" disaster when it comes to a strapless neckline.
Which now brings us to that lovable group of white-wearing women and their penchant for opting not just for themselves but also for their 1-10 closest friends the very difficult to wear neckline known as straight-edged strapless.
Now, I'm well aware of this new-fangled idea that brides aren't just allowed but expected to be total taskmasters and that it's considered more adorable than objectionable for them to be six steps above the highest of high maintenance, but there's a world of difference between being a bride who requires her grad student girlfriend with no disposable income to go into credit card debt so she can attend -and bring offerings to- the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding reception and being a woman who forces her of-varying-size friends to all wear the same style of bridesmaid dress.
Unless the 1-10 closest friends who are to flank this bride have identical figures (as was the case in my brother's wedding, so I do acknowledge that exceptions exist), thrusting the same dress upon each of them is, in my opinion, asking most of them and maybe all of them to commit a major figure-flattering offense.
And not just on that one day but forever in those wedding albums of theirs.
Now whether we're talking about strapless, halter, t-shirt sleeved, low-back, tea-length or any other kind of specialty cut, I think we can all agree none are universally flattering. What will look best on a petite woman with a large chest and skinny legs is bound to look awkward on a taller, broader girl with muscular calves.
I know I'm hardly the first person to recognize the injustice of forcibly wedging both a size-0 and a size-12 into the same empire-waisted strapless goddess gown, but considering that I'm still to this day shown windfalls of photos where all 1-10 women are wearing the same dress, I have to wonder why the modern bride hasn't become more...well, modern?
My advice, if you're not willing to be as hands-off a bride as Charlotte in her second walk down the aisle (Carrie, Miranda and Samantha each wore whatever they wanted), is to choose the color, outline the parameters (e.g., knee-length, matte fabric, no cleavage, etc.) but grant your bridesmaids the freedom to find the specific style that most flatters their figure. If one doesn't know how to make that determination, have your most attuned-to-proper-fit bridesmaid accompany her. Make clear to them you'll have the final say, perhaps even require an in-person fitting or a high-res photograph before the tags are cut, but at least in the beginning, give them the retail reins.
So there you have it, what I consider a bride's most gracious gift -- the gift of her friends' confidence intact.
If you're wondering how a topic like this landed on my usually anti-wedding radar, well, you've gotta do something while you're waiting in line for 40 minutes to buy a small container of guacamole and half-full bag of organic blue-corn chips at Whole Foods.
Why not eavesdrop?
(two women, mid-20s)
"Have you tried yours on yet?"
"Yeah, have you?"
"Yeah..."
(apprehensive) "What did you think?"
"What do you think I thought?"
"I have no idea why she chose that dress. It's so awful."
"It's beyond awful, it's ridiculous. It's a f**king ridiculous dress."
"It's one day, and then we can..."
"But the point is, for me to feel comfortable in that thing, I'm gonna have to lose like, five pounds. At least."
"Come on, it can't be that bad."
"When was the last time you remember seeing me wear a sleeveless anything? Anything? When??"
"Come on, it'll be..."
"The answer is 'never,' because I know my body and my body wasn't meant for something tight and strapless. Why, why would she do this to us? We're her best friends. I just don't get it."
"Because she's the bride and that's what brides do."
After this last sentence, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do more - run and kiss BridalBird for her decision to have only one, sisterly bridesmaid or to ask these two ladies for their friend's contact information so that she and I could have a serious sit-down.
No comments:
Post a Comment