There has to be an Oscar ceremony, there just *has* to be

I don't know about you, but what I witnessed walking down the SAG Awards red carpet last night did nothing for me.

Well, not nothing but pretty darn close to it.

My feeling is, if we're expected to endure Giuliana and Debbie's highly sycophantic, over-the-top "You look amaaaazing, girl -- how you keep yo'self so teeny-tiny?" interviews with some of the most annoying women in the industry -namely Eva Longoria(-Parker), Amanda Bynes and Nikki Blonsky- I better be able to de-numb my senses with some gorgeous gowns, sky-high stilettos and sparkly four-figure box clutches.

What I'm saying is, fantasizing about Javier Bardem, Viggo Mortensen, Josh Brolin and James Gandolfini -separately and collectively, I admit- should not have been the highlight of my pre-show.

Here below you'll find the two dresses that made me shake my head the least, the five that made me shake my head the most and the three that with a bit of tweaking could have been so much more than they were.

Keep in mind, I graded these looks in the same way all my college and graduate school professors graded my essays -- with a very generous bell-curve. In other words, someone in the sea of so-so had to get an 'A'. That's just how the system works.

Without further ado, here's what is hopefully the junior varsity version of February 24th's big game:

The Best

Marg Helgenberger in a stunning one-shouldered number*

Michelle Pfeiffer in blissfully simple Versace


The Worst

Lisa Rinna in a Cavalli-looking Jenny Packham

Jenna Fischer (braless) in Collette Dinnigan

Nikki Blonsky (Spanx-less) in IGIGI

Jane Krakowski, dress and gumball necklace by Malandrino

Chandra Wilson in sequins overload


The 'Would've been better if...'

...she'd gone up a size on top AND worn a bandeau bikini on her last vacation
Vanessa Williams in Escada

...she'd nixed the bow and chosen a less voluminous (i.e., column) skirtSandra Oh in a modern take of a Korean hanbok

...she'd left the dress un-brooched and taken the time to get a pediMarcia Cross in Monique Lhuillier

*if only she'd pulled her hair back in a low-'n-tight chignon to better show off that fantastic patent leather detailing...