Meanwhile... A Day in the Life of AWKWORD...
1.) About to eat $7 all-you-can-eat Chinese lunch buffet with my 90-year-old grandpa!... I tell my grandfather about the homie Lewis Hegeman. He appreciates that they share a first name (although with a different spelling)...
BTW: What's the worst type of store that could possibly be next to this Chinese buffet (due to an unkind stereotype with which we're all probably familiar)? A pet store. Guess what's next to this very Chinese buffet? That's right...
2.) Nothing harder than seeing your bubby, former painter/singer/intellectual, now in the nursing home, with Alzheimers, surrounded by crazies...
One lady in a wheelchair keeps begging me to find her wheelchair! Another lady is screaming, insisting that she has to pee. The aid is refusing to let her go. The lady, with obvious dementia, asks "why?" over and over again, pausing only to intersperse threats of piss going through her pants and onto the hospital chair. The aid never lets her get up...
I am the only one that my grandma seems to recognize. She calls me by my full name. I cry...
3.) My Ride Back from the Hospital (I of III): Car full of young blonde girls, smiling and waiving at me. My mom asks: "Do they know you're AWKWORD?"; "I don't know," I tell her. I waive back, they blush and giggle...
4.) My Ride Back from the Hospital (II of III): Car full of thugged-out white dudes drinking tall cans of cheap American beer. I pump my fast in approval. They cheers me. (The driver is NOT drinking...)
5.) My Ride Back from the Hospital (III of III): Minivan being driven by 50-something white woman, with Phillies flag hanging out the window. I stick my head out and flash my dad's Yankees hat. She rants back, finger waiving (seemingly happily)...
6.) Ever seen The Bad Girls Club? Well, I've found the lost Girl -- the disheveled security guard at my apartment building. Crazy b*tch attacks me!...
I get in the car, and my mom, who witnessed the event from down the block, in the back of a coupe, lectures me about my response, claiming that I think it's "cool" to yell back when a hoodrat flips her sh*t at me. (What I had been yelling was that she was going to get fired for treating me, a tenant, her "client," like a bum sleeping on her doorstep...)
7.) I (picture I) make it to Fairfield County, Conn., scoop up the homie Chris (picture II); he leaves tomorrow for Miami to play golf for the winter) and head over to B&G's. Gabby (picture III) is in the kitchen amidst baking homemade Pumpkin cupcakes with a cream-cheese icing. Whatzisface (picture IV) arrives shortly after, with two six packs and a positive attitude...
We watch the Yankees, and I write this blog...
This has been a long day, and I work tomorrow... But, then again, I work 25/8, 365, so, nothing new... 'Til I go like Hunter S...
No comments:
Post a Comment